The Big Peace

Here’s a peaceful 2010.

x

Happy Christmas!

2009 has been quite a challenging year for me in many ways. It was the year I got back on my feet after splitting up with my husband in 2008, a good friend and mentor died at the obscenely premature age of 51 and there has been illness in my family.

So on the face of it, not the easiest of years. But I will remember 2009 for the year as the year I committed to the Big Peace, to walking my talk. I have used everything I have learnt to keep coming back to my centre, to come back to being BIG – expanded, loving and laughing versus contracted, scared and bitter. Yes, I get scared and sad but that’s Ok too. I fall into the darkness but now I can always see a glimmer leading me back to the light.

I hope I’ve been able to share this light with you in my blog this year and you have created your own Big Peace practice to help you to come back to your BIG place. And hope you too have found ways to come back to your centre when all around seems dark, hostile and hopeless.

2010 beckons us all and my hope is that with the Big Peace tucked into our backpack of life tools we can face everything that life throws at with humour, integrity and love.

I’m signing off now until the New Year.

See you in 2010!

Suzy x

P.S Remember the Big Peace at Christmas was free in the hope that you will feel inspired to donate money to our wonderful Big Leaper Lynne McNicoll’s charity.

P.P.S Remember that the Big Peace Live starts February 1st. If you book before January 1st, you get three one to one sessions with me for free!

How are the Christmas preparations coming along? Is your hair
standing on end? Well, what if that was just Ok?
The road to The Big Peace is far more about self acceptance than
how to lead the perfect life. Most of my friends are all wonderfully
organised and tidy. For years, I have looked at their lives, taken
notes, thought ‘that is so impressive’, and devised a constantly
growing ‘to do’ list of things like: ‘must be more organised, must
be tidier, must bake ginger bread men cookies for my tree,
must have matching socks’. And I never, ever managed it.
All my to-list did was keep me running, always out of breath,
always trying and failing to reach the standards I set myself. What
would happen if I tore it up, I pondered?
So I wrote my ultimate list of everything I had to do to have the
perfect Christmas: all the things I felt I ’should’ do to
be shiny AND PERFECT – from wearing matching knickers and bra on
Christmas day to sending Christmas cards to my whole database.
(What do you mean you didn’t receive yours?)
Then I ripped it up and waited for chaos to ensue. But it didn’t.
Everything remained the same, except I got more relaxed. When
I stopped trying to be a
tidy/organised/all-my-addresses-in-one-place sort of
person, I let of this huge weight of guilt. Yes, my son and I wear
odd socks but I no longer fret about it.
I have realised that there are some details in life that simply
don’t matter to me. Over the last 10 years, I have learnt the hard
way that it really is important for my sanity to have my basic
bill-paying/food buying/business organisational systems in place.
But matching bras, knickers and socks? Home made Christmas cookies?
I actually don’t care. But I thought I should. And when you start
to let go of those ’shoulds’, there is a lot less noise in your
head, which leaves you free to, well, figure out what you really do
want to do with your time and energy.
Like lie on the sofa and read a book about teenage vampires.
(I’m in love with Edward from the Twilight trilogy – I’m channelling
my inner angst-ridden teenager!)
xxx

One of the biggest peace-givers (and also peace-robbers) around is
- other people! Although it might actually not be possible to get
on with other people all the time, there are a couple of techniques
that you can learn that will help you if you find yourself
constantly fighting with your in-laws or your other half this holiday.

Today, think about someone you can’t stand. Now, for 5 minutes,
step into the other person’s shoes and see life through their eyes.
Get a sheet of paper and write quickly and without thinking too
hard: What does X believe about these 10 issues:
work/motherhood/parenting/love/money/life/sex/relationships/housework/health?
Once you’ve written a phrase or sentence for each, write down why
you think X believes these things. Is it the way they were brought
up? The more you understand where they’re coming from, the easier
it will be to see them as human beings rather than some kind of
monster/enemy. If you can understand and then accept that this is
simply the way they see the world, and nothing to do with a
personal attack on you, you can stop being defensive.

Next, decide to give up your painful story. If you’re struggling
with someone, it’s often because you are telling or re-telling some
kind of ‘painful story’. By telling this story, we label and judge
someone. Then we spend our time constantly searching for evidence
to support this view of them. You may have made a decision that
someone is ‘nice but dim’ or ‘controlling and manipulative’, ‘cold
and competitive’.

So try this exercise.
First, define in two adjectives how you would you describe this
other person. Now ask yourself which painful story do these
adjectives refer back to? For example, the time when your
mother-in-law turned up and the first thing she did was put on her
rubber gloves and clean your kitchen – and you decided she was
controlling and judgemental. Now ask yourself if you’d be willing
to start looking for a new story to tell. Ask yourself what two
new, positive adjectives could you find to describe your
mother-in-law? For example, supportive and helpful. You may not be
able to change the other person, but you can change the way you see
them and the stories you tell yourself about them in your head.

Have a lovely weekend!
Suzy x
P.S remember The Big Peace Live starts February 1st. If you book
before 31st December you get 3 x half hour telephone coaching sessions
with me for free!

There’s much been written about ‘toxic friends’ but I do think
that’s a bit of cop out. It makes it sound like you’ve got nothing
to do with it. When we find ourselves spending time with people who
are horrible to us or manipulate or don’t value us, we are
allowing that to happen.

If this Christmas, you find yourself around people who are rude or
‘jelly-fish’ you, use it as a wake up call to create strong
boundaries or ‘rules’ around people that you love and who say they
love you.

Say it with a smile but be firm: ‘I know this is all about me but
I don’t like it/it hurts my feelings when you say
that/do that/are late all the time….it makes me feel you don’t value
me…can we agree that you…..and make a specific request (don’t
speak to me like that/don’t call me a bad mother/are late any more)

If the person continues to exhibit behaviour that makes you feel
awful, make the decision to choose to spend time with people who don’t.
Choose to spend time with people who want nothing more to boost you versus
drain you. You have a choice who you spend your time with.

Tomorrow, we’ll look at strategies for coping when circumstances dictate
that you have to spend your Christmas day with people you don’t like
and who don’t like you!

Yesterday, we were talking about how to connect more with people.
Here are some more tips from the cult classic How to Win Friends and
Influence People by Dale Carnegie. (Vermillion, £7.99)

1.    Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
2.    Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3.    Be genuinely interested in other people.
4.    Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5.    Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
6.    Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re
wrong.”
7.    If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
8.    Begin in a friendly way – with a smile
9.    Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
10.    Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of
view.

Have a lovely day!

Suzy x

Christmas can be an incredibly social time but can also leave you feeling weirdly lonely. You might have lots of friends, be constantly surrounded by people or get ten virtual ‘pokes’ a day on Facebook – but still feel alone.

Why? Because you feel disconnected and I believe connection is fundamental to our happiness. So I want you to give you a couple of strategies today for connecting and reaching out in the holiday season.

BE VULNERABLE When you reach out for connection with someone, on some level, you’re asking for acceptance. There is always a possibility of disinterest or even rejection so every time you reach out to someone you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable.

BE BRAVE Be willing to lay yourself a little bit bare. That’s perhaps why these social networking sites are popular because you don’t necessarily have to do that – you can almost create a persona, present the funny or beautiful photo, and edit your bad bits and highlight your best bits. It’s friendship-lite! In real life, however, that’s a little harder to do and usually exhausting to keep up (and be around). Scientific research shows that the quickest way to create intimacy with someone is self disclosure – stop pretending to be perfect and just tell people how human you are.

STOP TALKING AND START LISTENING People who connect with others brilliantly, listen the most. Dale Carnegie wrote the cult classic How to Win Friends and Influence People and shared an anecdote about how he sat next to a scientist at an event. Carnegie just kept asking him questions and got the scientist to open up. Whenever there was a lull in the conversation, Carnegie would ask another question. At the end of the event, the scientist went up to his host and proclaimed that Carnegie was the most interesting man he’d ever met! Carnegie writes: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.”

P.S Don’t forget the Big Peace Live programme starts 1st February http://thebigpeace.com/the-big-peace-live-programme/

Studies have shown that helping others gives us a ‘helper’s high’ – a physical and emotional sensation of euphoria that lasts for days or even weeks.

Not only that, but the more you do good the more optimistic you will become, you’ll have more energy, better perceived health, better weight control and a greater sense of relaxation – as well as a stronger immune system.

Today – do a good deed for someone. And notice how it makes you feel.

Burn your house down? Well, not literally. But imagine you were out for the evening and your house burnt down over Christmas. No one was hurt but you’ve lost all your material possessions. What are you devastated to lose? What is irreplaceable? Why? This is an interesting exercise to establish if the ‘things’ that we think are so important really are.

What most people report is that people are the most important priority in their  life. So today try this exercise. Research has shown that writing a testimonial or letter thanking a teacher, friend or grandparent and then visiting them to read them the letter, will not only make them feel fantastic, it’s scientifically proven to make you feel happier too. Research shows that people who do this once are measurably happier and less depressed one month later. Instead of churning out Christmas cards, why not write a letter to the people who have inspired you and helped you throughout your life? Or just write that little bit extra in your Christmas cards and tell people exactly why you love and value them?

Yesterday, you wrote a list of what you do to enjoy yourself. Now let’s discover if that will ultimately make you happier this Christmas. In the last few years we have seen an explosion of groundbreaking research introducing the scientifically based idea of ‘positive psychology’. The happiness scientists are focusing on what makes us happy versus what how to fix unhappiness.

Making an interesting distinction between pleasure and gratification, Martin Seligman, founder of the Positive Psychology movement and author of over twenty booked, such as Learned Optimism and What You Can Changeand What You Can’t,  suggests that our pursuit of ‘easy pleasures’ over gratifications might hinder our feelings of fulfillment.

“It is often puzzling that we often choose pleasure(and worst, displeasure) over gratification. In the nightly choice between reading a good book and watching a sitcom on television, we often choose the latter – although surveys show again and again that the average mood while watching sit-coms on television is mild depression,” he says.

Seligman espouses that the depression epidemic is the over reliance on short cuts to happiness. “Every wealthy nation creates moreand more shortcuts to pleasure: television, drugs, shopping, loveless sex,spectator sports and chocolate to name a few… and such a life sets one up for depression.”

Seligman is not saying that pleasure does not have its place but when we chase only pleasure versus gratification – we can feel empty.

Our brain chemistry doesn’t help. Pleasure-seeking involves two ancient regions of the brain – the amygdala and the nucleus accumbens that communicate using the chemical dopamine to form the brain’s reward system. Pleasure seeking triggers the production of dopamine, which keeps you coming back for more – it’s insatiable. And so you are forever left wanting.

So is there an alternative to pleasure seeking?

Seligman suggests that finding a sense of ‘flow’ mayhelp. Flow? Csikszentmihalyi, a psychologist from the University of Chicago, studied thousands of people to discover what makes our lives meaningful and satisfying. From his research he wrote a book called Flow. Flow is what he describes as being involved in an activity which gives us a narrowing of attention, a sense of being absorbed and a feeling of transcendence.

The great news is that any activity can lead to flow -playing a game, listening to music, writing a novel, etc. And, in spite of the huge differences in the activities themselves, those who’ve experienced it -from meditating Koreans to motorcycle gang members, chess players to sculptors to assembly line workers – describe the psychological components of gratification in notably similar ways: Focusing on a task is challenging and requires skill, you have to concentrate, there are clear goals, you get immediate feedback, we have deep effortless involvement, there is a sense ofcontrol, your sense of self vanishes, time stops.

What would happen if you decided to focus on ‘flow’ in your life versus pleasure ths Christmas?  Make a list of the things that you do that give you a sense of ‘flow’ in your life. What makes time disappear, what challenges you and requires skill? You may know immediately the things that give you that feeling of flow. How often do you spend doing your flow activities? Is your pleasure-seeking in balance with your flow?

And if not, can it today’s challenge? What can you do to get more ‘flow’ in your life this Christmas? But whatever you do, make sure you enjoy yourself.