Well, talk about demons coming home to roost. I had quite a tough time on my retreat this weekend as it was a detox retreat – so couldn’t use my usual methods to make myself feel better (eating cake in bed anyone?) after the awful news last week.
Yes, I feel clearer, brighter, have more energy but no matter what anyone says, it’s a tough old journey, feeling your feelings. I had three days of it with no where to go but within.
I got back to my desk on Monday to find out that I’d made a massive cock up at work.
Sloppy, unprofessional??? me???
I was lucky that a colleague was gracious, generous and understanding and forgave me.
But my inner pessimist didn’t. Integrity is a big thing for me. Truth. Honesty. These are values I endeavour to live my life by. I had been sloppy, I hadn’t double checked, I was unprofessional. “No, worse,” screamed my inner pessimist. “You’re a fake/liar/cheat. I told you so, I told you so, ” he sang.
I took dear old Oscar for a walk this afternoon and felt completely battered. I’d spent all weekend listening to my inner pessimist’s rants about life and death and love. Now, the one thing I felt confident about, the integrity of my work had been called into question.
Big Peace? I was in pieces.
And therein lies the ultimate challenge of The Big Peace practice. It’s easy to find a sense of calm and contentment when things go well. It’s when we’re stressed, unhappy, sad, broken, that the real work begins.
How we treat ourselves in those moments, I truly believe, is the answer to a more loving, peaceful life.
Perhaps it was lucky again that I’m reading a brilliant book The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert, a professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Derby, right now.
“When we have difficulties in our lives or make mistakes, or things don’t go as we wish, we always face two potential problems. There is the ‘thing itself’….And there’s the experience of our own self: that sense of feeling unwanted, undesired, inferior, a disappointment. We might get over the first problem quite quickly, but the second, involving our sense of self, can linger and undermine us. Self compassion helps us to address these problems and to become more kinder, more accepting and gentler with ourselves,” he says.
His inspirational and brilliant book reminded me to get back to my Big Peace practice – which ultimately means tuning into my inner coach versus my inner pessimist and to be kind and loving with myself as the editor today was with me.
We make mistakes, others forgive us, why do we find it so difficult to forgive ourselves? But it is possible. Yes, it is.
It’s been another full on day and I’m learning a lot.
Good night.
Sign Up For The Big Peace Now!
© 2009 The Big Peace.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
You are such an amazing woman. I think that life learns as much from you, as ýou from life! If everybody dared feel like you do and go where you go, we would be a planet of super humans.
August 15th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Oh, Susie! Why is it that we are all so much more willing to forgive other people and to treat them with compassion than we are to do the same to ourselves?
Please don’t beat yourself up any more. Yes, maybe you made a mistake, but that doesn’t undo all the good that you do in your work every day; helping people to get just a little bit closer to achieving their own bit of Big Peace! As someone who has got so much from your blog and website, I just want to say thank you and keep tuning in to that inner coach.
August 19th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Hey Susie, I just wrote a long comment only for it to fly off into cyberspace…Here is a shorter version. Firstly, you are not a drama queen just a human being who feels things deeply with passion and the rest of the world can only wish to be within sniffing distance of such a wonderful species. (I include myself in this group as I have several times been given the nomenclature myself.)
I am reading (very slowly as this is good stuff and my brain needs time to take it all in) John F. Demartini’s book and your blog reminded me of something I had read.
“Wisdom is the instantaneous recognition that a crisis is a blessing, and even greater wisdom recognizes that blessings can also trigger a crisis. When we truly understand that, we’re less likely to be upset about difficulties or elated about opportunities; we remain centered no matter what happens around us….Balance is neither pessimism or optimism. All things are balanced and when you know it, you remain true to yourself.” Pages 11-12 Breakthough Experience.
I also say to myself “this too shall pass”, making a little mantra out of it and you know what? It does.
August 19th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Hi
You might be interested in listening to a talk Professor Gilbert gave at the launch for The Compassionate Mind.
You can listen to it or download it from http://www.derby.ac.uk/podcasts/the-compassionate-mind .
Charlotte
August 20th, 2009 at 11:49 am
thank you so much for this – I will listen to it! xxx
August 20th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Yes! ‘this too shall pass’ has been my mantra in the last few weeks and once again, I find it to be true.
thank you so muich for your lovely support as ever. xxx